its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Randomize
