I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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