I think scott just propositioned me for sex
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize