I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
