my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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