Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
