I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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