I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Randomize
