The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
