Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
