No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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