Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
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