I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
