I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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