he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
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