Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
