Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
