yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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