My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
