is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
