I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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