I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
