I accidentally had phone sex last night
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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