I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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