I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Too much gin, very little bucket
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
