The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i will never coherently bang her
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
