I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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