my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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