Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Randomize
