she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
