I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Randomize