I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
