I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
