I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Randomize
