I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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