why im i the only drunk person in the library?
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
