Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
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