Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
