haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
