Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
