somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
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