he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
