I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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