I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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