my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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