At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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