I think my vagina is haunted
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Randomize
