Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
