I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
