I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
