My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
