my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
