Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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