i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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