Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
