why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
