I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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