New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
